Update on afarensis’ First Ever, Vile, Wicked, Christmas Songs I Hate Contest

Back on December 16th I announced afarensis’ First Ever, Vile, Wicked, Christmas Songs I Hate Contest and called for you, my readers, to submit the Christmas songs you hate. Since most of my readers are refugees from PZ’s blog I figured I would get tons of suggestions. The results, however, are pitiful. So far, I have only received four responses. We can do better. Really people, you call yourselves Christmas hating atheists? Veterans of the war on Christmas? Bah, hamburgers! Show me the Christmas song hatin’!


Don’t make me foam at the mouth and channel Jack Nicholson (You want a war on Christmas, you can’t handle the war on Christmas, I sit 40 yards from the North Pole and there are hundreds of elves with orders to kill me…)
Oh, here are the songs so far:
Mistletoe and Wine by Cliff Richard http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asq7TW4bRBU
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Jingle Bells
I’m dreaming of a White Christmas. (Bing Crosby? yuk!)
O Christmas Tree (Tannenbaum)
Christmas Shoes – or whatever it’s called
Soldier’s Silent Night
Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time

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18 Responses

  1. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer – As sung by Dean Martin

  2. The office radio is glued to FM 99.1, a Houston radio station that plays, in their words, “non-stop Christmas music”. I have a developed a special loathing for the entire sacchrine catalogue, but for my money the worst of this disgustingly sweet heap is the smug and taunting “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. I have to shut my eyes tight to suffocate the burning hatred it evokes.
    Honorable mentions go to:
    Boney M – Mary’s (Lame) Boy Child
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BVtzu59feY
    Any version of Sleigh Ride:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSQpREgTfm4&feature=related
    Cliches tuned the same key, Jingle Bell Rock:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t826NMqYyj0
    There’s another song with a title that eludes me, it sounds like something you’d hear while waiting to get on a ride at Disney World – a mix of women and children sing some sappy melody in unison ad nauseum. If anyone knows the one I’m talking about, please include it on your list – it is sure to win.
    I also hate “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” and the evil implications of its lyrics, of which I have made a delightful parody to share with all of you:
    “Jesus Christ is Coming Again”
    You better watch out
    You better not fear
    It wouldn’t be wise;
    our savior is near
    Jesus Christ is coming
    Agaaaaaaaain!
    He’s sortin’ his goats
    He’s checkin’ them twice
    He’s gonna find out
    who’s righteous or viced
    Jesus Christ is coming
    Agaaaaaaaaaain!
    He sees you when you’re sleeping
    when you are with out help
    He knows if you have faith or not
    So believe! or burn in hell
    Ohhhhh
    You better watch out
    You better not fear
    It wouldn’t be wise;
    Our savior is near
    Jesus Christ is coming
    AGAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIN!

  3. I’m in France, and rarely listen to the radio, since the music stations are required, by law, to have some percentage of French-language content, which (generally) sucks. Even the French (or at least the ones I hang around with) think so.
    Anyways, that means I’ve blissfully forgotten most of the Merry Season Murderous Shite that gets played this time of year. So I’ve nothing to add to the list, mostly since I cannot really recall! Ah, bliss …
    Having said that, there is one song which I admit to liking: The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York, recently in the news in the UK for BBC Radio 1′s idiotic (and short-lived) decision to censor its usage of the words “faggot” and “slut”. Except in the confused opinion of one ranting guest columnist in The Guardian, I understand that made the BBC this year’s seasonal joke.

  4. Jeez. The Christmas songs people claim to hate, I actually don’t find to be very annoying. But you wanna know the one I *really* hate? It’s “The Little Drummer Boy”! Pah-rum-pa-pa-*humbug*! And I’ve *always* hated it! Even when I first heard it as a 12 or 13 year old. Especially when certain stations *insist* on playing it frequently. I guess I’m just a natural-born Grinch.
    Anne G

  5. “We Three Kings of Orient Are”. I’ve hated that one since I was a kid a half-century ago. Even when we changed the second line to “Trying to smoke a rubber cigar…”
    And that hybrid Spanish/English “I wanna wish you a merry Christmas…Feliz Navidad” And my local grocery store plays it all season long; it almost makes we “wanna” swear off eating for the duration.

  6. I agree with Anne Gilbert- “The Little Drummer Boy” is not only one of the most intrinsically annoying Christmas songs in the entire arsenal, it’s also one of the stupidest premises for a song in history.
    Picture the setup- a new mother, having had to travel a long (for the times) distance in the last stages of pregnancy on a freakin’ donkey or camel or something like that, is now stuck with spending the night in a stable because her schlemiel of a husband can’t get them a hotel room. She’s undoubtedly exhausted from traveling and giving birth, and she won’t know for days whether she’s going to be one of the many casualties of puerperal fever (it’s probably a good thing that in those pre-germ-theory days she hasn’t an inkling of how sleeping in a nice dung-filled stable might affect her chances).
    So they’ve finally gotten settled in as best they can, maybe they’ve finally gotten the kid to go to sleep for a while, a few weird guys show up but at least they’re bringing gifts that have some intrinsic or practical value…
    And some random lunatic shows up and plays a freakin’ drum solo??!
    BOOM! BAP! WHAPPITY-WHAPPITY-WHAP BOOM CRASH!
    Followed immediately by
    WHAA! WHAA! WHAAAAAAAA!
    And now, children, you know why it is that all drummers are cursed beings.

  7. I hate about 90 percent of the Xmas music I hear. It’s all kitsch and I dread this time of the year.
    One that I’ve found particularly grating, though, is Bing Crosby’s rendition of “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.” He tries to swagger through it as though he’s some jazz improvisationalist. “Rudy, the red-beaked reindeer” he actually sings at one point.
    Was this man every considered an artist???

  8. Pablo – you’re lucky if it’s only 90%.
    The World Service had a piece on Reporting Religion (PZ’s favourite show, I’m sure) over the weekend about someone who had written some atheist carols. They played parts of two of them, and they seemed to be keeping up the tradition. OK, the first wasn’t bad, but it was too British (or Brittenish, to be exact). The second was just, well, ugh.
    Last Christmas BBC Radio 3 played everything by Bach over Christmas. A reminder that there is still some good music out there…
    Bob

  9. Pablo – you’re lucky if it’s only 90%.
    The World Service had a piece on Reporting Religion (PZ’s favourite show, I’m sure) over the weekend about someone who had written some atheist carols. They played parts of two of them, and they seemed to be keeping up the tradition. OK, the first wasn’t bad, but it was too British (or Brittenish, to be exact). The second was just, well, ugh.
    Last Christmas BBC Radio 3 played everything by Bach over Christmas. A reminder that there is still some good music out there…
    Bob

  10. Pablo – you’re lucky if it’s only 90%.
    The World Service had a piece on Reporting Religion (PZ’s favourite show, I’m sure) over the weekend about someone who had written some atheist carols. They played parts of two of them, and they seemed to be keeping up the tradition. OK, the first wasn’t bad, but it was too British (or Brittenish, to be exact). The second was just, well, ugh.
    Last Christmas BBC Radio 3 played everything by Bach over Christmas. A reminder that there is still some good music out there…
    Bob

  11. I’ll go ahead and nominate all Christmas music except for the songs from the Peanuts Christmas Special, which are all blissfully relaxing.

  12. Can I nominate “Christmas Shoes” again?

  13. Your name came up over at ERV. Something about a footnote.

  14. Heh, yeah, I saw that earlier today. Giggle!

  15. I only listen to NPR on the radio and they haven’t been playing Christmas songs. I have been in Egypt & Jordan for the past 3 weeks where I have come to hate the song about sleigh bells ringing and O Come All Ye FAithful. Apparently, Christians and Muslims alike love to celebrate Christmas in those 2 countries.

  16. I vote “Silver bells, sillver bells, soon it will be Festive day.” Hey, we’re Canadian, eh?

  17. I vote “Jingle Bells” :) Happy new year !

  18. Blue Christmas WTF.
    Also whatever song it is that constantly abbreviates “comfy and cozy” (the correct lyrics) to “comfycozy”

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