Precambrian Archaeology

I have had an epiphany, you see I have realized the error of my “evilutionist” ways and have been born again. Since I don’t have millions to donate to the church (I spent all my money trying to get an education in a vain attempt to deny GOD) I have decided the best way I can spread the message is through my blog. To that end I have developed a radical new theory to explain lifes origins (God did it). I have also developed an radical new creation science I call “Precambrian Archaeology”. The basis of this new theory is as follows.
Precambrian archaeology, as any creationist will tell you, is important because we learn from it the the Cambrian explosion was caused by a bacteria trying to form a synthesis with a mitochondria. The resulting conflageration caused the extinction of the Neanderthals. Which, of course, I can’t prove but if Jesus personally holds atoms together I don’t see why this theory isn’t possible.
I have illustrated the theory below the fold…

RPM has asked me to shrink my picture because it is not entirely visible so I did …
How’s that for proof!
Lest you think my new theory (which should get me the Nobel Prize) is total nonsense let me mention that my theory has been endorsed by the godless, athiest and DARWINIAN FUNDEMENTALIST PZ Myers:

That’s profound… You’ve just invented the grand unified theory of creationist biotic cosmology!

Although Dr. Myers has been known to sacrifice eye babies to satanic cephalopodian overlords,

this should not be allowed to diminish his praise for my new theory (although it doesn’t say much about Darwimpism).
Want further proof of my theory? Shortly after I created this theory I happened to be looking through a teloscope and took the picture below of Jesus looking down from heaven in approval.
Jesus%20nebula.jpg(ignore the caption about the Hubble telescope – this was inserted by JEALOUS NASA astronomers trying to supress my brilliant work).
My theory also provides the proof behind intelligent design. For example, using my theory we can infer design in this:
based on infering design in this:
If you don’t see the connection it’s because you a) Don’t understand the theory and 2) Aren’t as smart as I am.
Currently, I am working on dating the Cambrian explosion mentioned above. Dating methods are based on radiometric decay and since things didn’t start decaying till the fall of MAN I am led to believe that the Neanderthal pictured above was ADAM (since he fell on France after the Cambrian Explosion). Thus proving the earth is only 6,000 years old – or possibly a couple billion. At any rate I am currentlu working on the effects of fire breating t-rex’s on the rate of accumulation of dust on the moon (which also has implications for the strength of earth’s magnetism). Another area of research is on the fossil record (which, I suspect is what happens to vinyl after folks switch to CD’s).

9 Responses

  1. Your drawing is too wide for the page. You should shrink it down a bit so that we can view it in all of its artistic glory.
    Okay, but I’m going to have to ban you for not being a proper echochamber syncophant – Oh crap, I just accidently banned myself, consider that a warning. Did I mention I used to work for a leading computer company – example of my work here afarensis

  2. Yes! Your photo of the flagellate bacterium shows the definite imprint of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created all things starting with a mountain, some trees and a midget.
    Praise Her!
    Only a DARCHIMPIAN would put that kind of interpretation on it, clearly it shows design because flagella swim in water and Mt. Rushmore sinks in water – thus proving design. But believe in the mythical skymother if you want…besides stripper factories are immoral – afarensis

  3. Is it just me, or doess it look like the Jesus nebula is flipping us all off?

  4. Your theory is wrong. Bible says Noah’s ark had only one window, your heretic theory (and just a theory, not a law) shows three. I bet n your theory Noah took 3 of each animal in the ark too, maybe even there was a third person in the garden of Eden so they could make heretic orgies!

  5. If the ark only had one window how do you explain the triune nature of god?

  6. Mountain Ararat is a historical fact that Noah’s ship landed. You un-believers have a scale and you are blind in unbelief, it is not that you are smarter. It is that you are hypnotized by the society to think highly of yourself as a intellectual person that if no one is higher then you then you must be the smartest creator the master of the universe. There is a creator behind everything, and a cell is produced by a creator. No one can create a cell, but the Creator. You that have a brain you are produced by a creator, You that think logically or out of the box are created by the same creator. No matter who you are you are created from a tiny cell which leads you to one and only creator. I challenge you to ask your creator and if He dose exist He’ll answer to you. If He dose not exist then no lose no gain. period! Or are you to afraid and your ego wont let you. denial is ignorance. 🙂

  7. Prove it!

  8. My name is ryan maire and i would to tell you that i think you and all your ideas are out of this world. i mean you have a brillent mind and i would like to meet you so if you can come down to Maritta GA and come to 2451 Swanson Ct NE or call (770) 675-3411 or call 678-591-3645 and set up a time to come down or just talk to me about your theory. if you want you can call right now i am not doing anything i am unemployed and have a ton of free time so call me or come down. i wanta learn about all of your theories if you have more thanks for reading this and your time, one of your fans and fellow belivers of this Ryan Maire.

  9. Um, you do realize that this was an April Fool’s day Joke, right?

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