I have had an epiphany, you see I have realized the error of my “evilutionist” ways and have been born again. Since I don’t have millions to donate to the church (I spent all my money trying to get an education in a vain attempt to deny GOD) I have decided the best way I can spread the message is through my blog. To that end I have developed a radical new theory to explain lifes origins (God did it). I have also developed an radical new creation science I call “Precambrian Archaeology”. The basis of this new theory is as follows.
Precambrian archaeology, as any creationist will tell you, is important because we learn from it the the Cambrian explosion was caused by a bacteria trying to form a synthesis with a mitochondria. The resulting conflageration caused the extinction of the Neanderthals. Which, of course, I can’t prove but if Jesus personally holds atoms together I don’t see why this theory isn’t possible.
I have illustrated the theory below the fold…
RPM has asked me to shrink my picture because it is not entirely visible so I did …
How’s that for proof!
Lest you think my new theory (which should get me the Nobel Prize) is total nonsense let me mention that my theory has been endorsed by the godless, athiest and DARWINIAN FUNDEMENTALIST PZ Myers:
That’s profound… You’ve just invented the grand unified theory of creationist biotic cosmology!
Although Dr. Myers has been known to sacrifice eye babies to satanic cephalopodian overlords,
this should not be allowed to diminish his praise for my new theory (although it doesn’t say much about Darwimpism).
Want further proof of my theory? Shortly after I created this theory I happened to be looking through a teloscope and took the picture below of Jesus looking down from heaven in approval.
(ignore the caption about the Hubble telescope – this was inserted by JEALOUS NASA astronomers trying to supress my brilliant work).
My theory also provides the proof behind intelligent design. For example, using my theory we can infer design in this:
based on infering design in this:
If you don’t see the connection it’s because you a) Don’t understand the theory and 2) Aren’t as smart as I am.
Currently, I am working on dating the Cambrian explosion mentioned above. Dating methods are based on radiometric decay and since things didn’t start decaying till the fall of MAN I am led to believe that the Neanderthal pictured above was ADAM (since he fell on France after the Cambrian Explosion). Thus proving the earth is only 6,000 years old – or possibly a couple billion. At any rate I am currentlu working on the effects of fire breating t-rex’s on the rate of accumulation of dust on the moon (which also has implications for the strength of earth’s magnetism). Another area of research is on the fossil record (which, I suspect is what happens to vinyl after folks switch to CD’s).
Filed under: Creationism